ParenTweets April Roundup

I peed my pants jumping on the trampoline with my kid, which is our house’s official way to ring in the spring season.

— Mommy Meme Jeans (@mommymemejeans) April 20, 2021

kids have two brains.

the 1st brain is like a chimp. it lasts for 20 seconds. memories stored here are directions, instructions and chores

the 2nd is like an elephant. it never forgets. memories stored here are promises of food, trips, presents and video game stories

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) April 29, 2021

Blew my nose in front of my daughter and her friends today. Please respect her privacy during this difficult time.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 18, 2021

11yo: What was your first job out of college?

Me: I was a secretary.

11yo: Of state?

— Deva Dalporto (@mylifesuckers) April 9, 2021

“Do you like dinosaurs? Yes or no?”

My 5yo, speed dating at the playground

— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) April 10, 2021

I had “the talk” with my son and it was basically just the two of us saying the word BONER over and over again and giggling nonstop.

— TheMotherOctopus (@MotherOctopusKJ) April 21, 2021

My 3 year old just came downstairs crying, promising to be good if we let her out of her room. We didn't send her to her room. She went up there voluntarily on her own to color.

— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) April 23, 2021

Started cleaning the kids bathroom but have decided it’s easier to just sell the house for a loss.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) April 28, 2021

Can't wait to go to sleep so I can wake up tomorrow to cook, clean, and entertain a miniature version of me whose default setting is "I choose violence" again.

— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) April 13, 2021

A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) April 10, 2021

My husband came home from being out of town for 6 days, walked through the door & went straight to the dog.

If you’re wondering what 20+ years of marriage looks like.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) April 17, 2021

5 YO daughter: Mom, you're going to be a grandma soon.

Me: I hope not soon.

5 YO: Well, probably before I'm married, at least.

— Walking Outside in Slippers (@WalkingOutside) April 11, 2021

We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go

— Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) April 15, 2021